Being a gentleman

What does it mean to behave gentlemanly?  Courtesy.  Manners.  Chivalry. Politeness.  So many words to choose from.  Let’s look at each individually for a moment. 

The idea of chivalry started in medieval times with knighthood.  There wasn’t a single “code of chivalry”.  As it evolved over time it became more a guide of general virtues which still had an aspect of the warrior and nobility.  Part of the chivalric code included the idea of defending those who are weaker, maintaining honor, and serving the ladies of the court.  As knights began to disappear, so did the chivalric code (to be replaced by other things).  The idea that women need protecting is definitely an outdated part of the chivalric code.  Do not for a minute believe that conducting yourself as a gentlemen includes believing that women are weaker or need defending by a man because they can’t defend themselves.

Courtesy is defined by Merriam-Webster as “a behavior marked by polished manners or respect for others”.  The key take-away here is “respect for others”.  If we combine the chivalric code ideas of honor and protection with the foundation for that being “respect for others” I think we are getting close to the idea of what being a gentleman is all about.

“Manners” has several meanings, but the two I think are most relevant are “social conduct or rules of conduct” and “habitual conduct or deportment”.

And “polite” is defined as behavior that is respectful and considerate of others.

So, how do we put this together?  Might I suggest the most important aspect of being a gentleman is “habitually conduct yourself toward others in a way that is honoring and respectful”.

If a king or queen were to enter the room and come up to you while you were sitting down, what would you do?  Stand up (I hope!).  If that king or queen were to be entering a door you were standing next to, what would you do?  Open it for them (I hope!)  These acts would show honor and respect.  Likewise, when introduced to someone – stand up!  Hold the door open for the person (male or female)  - even if you got there first!  Now, one “custom” that doesn’t happen much anymore is a gentleman standing when a lady enters the room.  That could pose a problem in many places these days (imagine standing up every time a lady entered the restaurant, or Starbucks, etc.  But I would suggest that there are still times and places when this may be appropriate.  I’ll leave it to you to discern that time, but again I would remind you of “honor and respect”.

Let’s make it a little harder.  How about allowing someone to merge or change lanes in front of you on the freeway?  How about letting someone in front of you at the grocery store line? 

I could go on – giving someone the jacket you are wearing (or in the case of Sir Walter Raleigh, laying the jacket over a mud-puddle so m’lady wouldn’t get her feet muddy).

Let’s look at one more that could be interpreted as treating women as “needing protection”.  A gentleman offers his arm to a lady as they are walking along.  Now, the question is, which side should the lady be on?  Although you will find different answers (right side, closer to the heart; right side, as a knight would wear his sword on the left), lets again look at it from the standpoint of honor and respect.  A gentleman should want to keep a lady safe from danger (not because he thinks she can’t protect herself, but because he is honoring and respecting her).  So, when walking down a sidewalk, the man should be on the side closest to the street.  This places him between the lady and a car, or spattered rain/mud, or even thrown objects.  (When I was a young kid, we were told that a gentleman would actually switch sides as he and the lady crossed the street, thus protecting her from oncoming cars on both sides of the street).

Let’s bring this back to our first rule:  Jesus first.  Jesus taught that we should be willing to sacrifice for others.  He taught that we should love one another and that we should be humble when comparing ourselves to others.  (Of course, Jesus was the ultimate gentleman as he willingly gave up his life for ours.)

Okay, but what about all those other things we think of when we hear “mind your manners”?  How does not resting your elbows on the table show honor and respect for others?  Well they do.  Some are more obvious than others (don’t talk with your mouth full, etc – you can find some basic rules at the Emily Post website (check out other posts there!)   But remember our definition of manners:  dealing with social conduct.  Let’s say you’re at a business meeting, or going on a date.  Hopefully you would want to show respect and honor to the person/people you are dining with, and one way to do that is to follow the norms of table manners.  This is an interesting article that talks about how manners may actually help us to do well in institutional situations.  Why?  Well, they talk about rewiring the brain and such, but I would suggest it again comes down to the “habitual” part of our definition.  Why should my children eat with mouths closed and keep their elbows off the table?  Why do I need to know which fork to use? Because consistently practicing respectful behavior in ALL situations will help them when they need to “be on their best manners”.

Well, we could go on and on, but we could also sum it up with “habitually conduct yourself toward others in a way that is honoring and respectful”.

Next time we’ll talk about something that is part of manners, but also much, much more:  Put Down the Electronics!