I
just got back from a church-planting conference, put on by Always Forward, the
church planting initiative of the Anglican Church in North America. This was my second time attending this
conference, and I was in a much different place of my life.
One year ago I was there,
still trying to figure out if I really was being called by God to be a church
planter, and if so, where? A lot happened
in the intervening year: I retired from
the U.S. Navy after 30 years of service.
The change from military culture to civilian culture could take up many
blog posts, but suffice to say it is a significant change. My wife and I had suddenly figured out that now
no one would be telling us where we could live – it was up to us! Of course, we wanted it to be up to God, not
just us. After a lot of discernment,
prayer, anxiety, faith, worry, more faith, etc we were called to Billings, MT. There, I would serve as rector to a small but
faithful group of Anglicans, and continue my medical work part time. There was much that we looked forward to –
less traffic, great outdoors, wonderful people, the thrill of doing Kingdom
work. There was also much that we did
not look forward to – leaving our daughter, son-in-law and grandson behind in
Southern California, being further away from my parents, winter, and the
challenges of doing Kingdom work.
When I attended this year’s
conference, we had been in Billings for a little over 2 months. We had settled in pretty well. Everything was out of boxes and in “a place”
in our house, if not necessarily the “right place”. We had made wonderful friends. The church was very committed to doing the “hard
work” of planting. When asked “How are
you doing?” by my friends, colleagues, leaders, and family I would honestly
reply “Great!” and describe some of the progress we had been making. Nevertheless, I had been feeling tired –
civilian medicine, with Medicaid and lack of other insurance was a new thing
for me after the military. The hard work
of leading the church, pastoring those with hurts, finding family time, finding
“me” time, etc was beginning to take its toll and I was starting to feel like I
was being drained.
This brings me to
Wednesday night and a Eucharist and “commissioning” at the church planter’s
conference. After the Eucharist they
invited us forward for prayer – they encouraged “those of you who are tired, or
feeling shame, or anxiety” to come forward.
As I went forward, I still had that mindset of “I’m doing okay”….until I
got there. Suddenly I found myself
weeping uncontrollably as the realization of the stresses I had undergone in
the past 2 months hit me. I felt
inadequate – a “make believe” priest ordained for only 1 ½ years, trying to
plant a church! I felt small. I felt the anxiety of “what if this doesn’t
work? What if I screw it up and it all comes tumbling down like a house of
cards?” I felt the drain on me
spiritually as I struggled to meet these new (self-set) expectations and as I
tried to “do” Kingdom work. And I cried
out to God that I was feeling like I was being emptied – poured out.
At that moment, two
things happened. First, I remembered
that others had spoken of being “poured out” – that language is used of both
Paul and Jesus in Philippians. Second, I
had a vision of a cruet with water, like we have at the altar. The water level was getting lower and
lower. And in my mind, God spoke to me
and with a chuckle (I confess I have never heard God chuckle before). He said
“Silly child. Of course I want you to empty yourself. I want you to pour out everything. Empty yourself, so I can fill you. For you, yourself, will run out – but I never
will. You will be filled with living
water – that you will never run dry. Let
me fill you to overflowing. It is then
that you can minister to others and still be full yourself. (At that point the
priest said “God is an inexhaustible reservoir of joy”) Not only does my living water nourish and
satisfy, it also cleanses. It washes
away your shame, your doubt, your fears, your anxieties. Let me fill you. Do not hold the water in – let it flow, and
as it flows it will make and mold you, wearing away the rough spots.”
So why am I sharing this
with you? First, to give God glory. God does not often meet me like he did that
night (probably because I don’t seek to meet Him in that way as often as I
should). But when He does meet me, it is
the most joyful, peaceful, powerful, wonderful experience. I share this so that you may know that you
can meet God in that way. I also share
it because I am pretty sure there are others out there who feel the same way I
did. Inadequate. Fearful.
Anxious. Poured out. I am here to tell you that the message God
gave me that night is the same message He is giving to you. Let him fill you. Overflowing.
Cleansing. Another way to put it…
Be
still, and know that He is God.
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